Another in a series of insults

So the Evil sister sent an E-MAIL (an email for god's sake!) to ask if she could pick up the dining room table for our awful sister-in-law who is the pig who married my brother. We'd said she could have it but honestly thought it wasn't a great idea because she is, after all 'the tin roof on the trailer' ( in the section "my Dad Dies") and is certainly the most awful housecleaner in the world. That's not even true - she has no order in her house WHATSOEVER. My god, that table will be trashed in 2 years.
To continue: the evil sister wrote an email, did not wait for an answer, took her key and went into OUR house (it's ours now - we closed on the farm on November 5th!) and took the dining room table. She set off our alarms, and we all got called and by the time someone got there to check it out, the house was neatly locked up and the table was gone. Good God! She couldn't pick up a phone. What is wrong with her?

I LOVE this letter! This was written by the good sister: Oh, I wish she would send this to that evil sister of ours.


What the hell is the matter with you? Did you forget how to use a phone?

Shame on me for not checking my e-mail on a daily basis.

I don'’t/didn’'t expect that my own sister would walk into (what is now) my home and help herself to whatever was there without talking to me first.

Ever heard of talking? Either in person or on the phone?

What you did is no less than breaking and entering. Do you suppose I would ever do that to you? Or to anyone? It is so unbelievable that you did this. I have never known anyone (except-now- for you), who would actually do to anyone, let alone one of their own siblings – what you just did.

What the hell is the matter with you? Can’'t you dial a phone number? Are you so broke you can’'t afford a long distance call? Maybe you’'re too busy raising children that have no relationship to you or anyone. Or maybe you are so controlled by that pompous ass you married that you are too afraid any longer to be up front with anyone, and have to sneak into a house that no longer belongs to you and sneak out with something that also doesn'’t belong to you?

By the way, I said you could have the “Morris Chair”. I hope you took that too. I hope your fat fuck of a companion doesn'’t sit on it. It will be ruined in 5 years or less, as will that amazing table that Mom refinished and that we had all our holiday dinners around for 30 or more years, where we all played games after the meals or after the presents were opened. I know you saw the environment it went into. It killed me to have to give it to that evil bitch (who beat her step children when they were little and used them as her personal maids. I wonder when a cat box was last changed since they left. I wonder when someone actually did a load of laundry. I wonder why it bothers me). You saw the environment you took that beautiful piece of furniture into. You know I'’m right.

It crossed my mind to ask you for your key(s) to the farm house when we signed the papers, but I didn’'t because I never thought it would be an issue. It never occurred to me that I wouldn'’t get a phone call from someone to ask when and where we could coordinate this transfer. It never occurred to me that you -of all people -would not call and talk to me.

Shame on me for not checking my e-mail. What an idiot I am.

I will put the “Morris Chair” in the garage. You can pick it up on a Monday or Tuesday. By then the locks will be changed and when the alarms go off, the police will be called. I do not ever want to hear from or see you ever again.

Since Mom died, you have caused me the greatest pain that I have ever experienced. Having that crap religious funeral for her (officiated by someone who never even knew her) would have been bad enough, but then you tried to hide it from --(this blog writer) and ---(the good brother) and me. You told our aunts and cousins and probably your own children to not tell us about it, and then you lied to people telling them that we didn’'t “want to be there”. I cannot express to you the pain this has caused me.

----, you put an announcement in the paper. DO YOU THINK I AM ILLITERATE? DO YOU THINK MY FRIENDS ARE? Can you possibly imagine the pain and humiliation I experienced by having to tell my friends that the announcement in the paper was the first I’'d heard about a service for my mother, and that I was apparently not supposed to know about it, that I was not invited, and apparently not welcome there? ----, we had a family meeting on Thursday Feb 13. You said not a word. Neither did ---(Brother1) or ---(Brother2). Obviously, you told them not to. When I asked ---(good brother) about it on Saturday, the 14th, he’'d not heard a word either. He also had to answer questions from co-workers. Not that it would matter to or bother you, but he was also extremely embarrassed and humiliated by the whole experience.

Almost a year has passed. I miss Mom every day.

I don't miss you a bit.

Good-bye

Your ex-little sister
----(the good sister)

The money

We got it. 600,000 dollars. Oh, my god.

Time flies

We've got a purchase agreement to buy out our siblings. Now we just have to find the half million we need to pay them off. The fools. Maybe we're the foolish ones; we'll be in hock up to our ears, but we'll have 200 acres for the birds and beasts. We'll have room to grow plants and trees and room to build a greenhouse.

The good sister crashed her car on the freeway on rain 2 nights ago. She wasn't hurt, nor was anybody else, a miracle. I'm just wondering what another expense will do to her state of mind. It's not like she is very happy with anything these days. Like me, she spends time worrying but not able to do much about things. I'm thinking she's heading for the edge.

We keep getting these inane letters from our brother. I suppose one shouldn't complain about any personal letters that are received, and yet, I see one of his in the mailbox and I want to start screaming. He's so completely boring and trivial it's worse than annoying. Always a lot of grammatical mistakes and then there is the obligatory praise of his granddaughter who is retarded but he won't admit it. He's always telling us how clever she is when it is obvious to anyone else around him that she is intellectually challenged and always will be. It makes me crazy. This letter took me days to read. I actually lost it for a while, probably an intentional action.

I played two concerts in the last 2 weeks. Last week, Dvorak 8, Galatian Dances by Kodaly, Sabre dance by Katchaturian, Polovtsian Dances by Borodin, and a Brahms Hungarian Dance. I guess it was a dance concert. Today I played a Mozart Symphony, a contemporary piece by Marjory Merriman (nice) and Sibelius 5. Man, what a huge piece. It was great, the Brass sounded great. Actually, the whole orchestra sounded fantastic. Next concert in November is Eroica, Prometheus and some Organ piece that we haven't gotten yet, and December is SChumann - both William and Robert, and a Rutter piece. Yeah, time flies. I don't know where it goes. Playing rehearsals and concerts, I guess.

At Last

Memorial Service finally took place yesterday. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was fine, good, people took away some meaningful feelings from it. I read two poems from Matthew Arnold and one of my own:, and I wrote a little thing for my neices to introduce the service.
The introduction was like this:

Death makes us reflect on life.

We pause to wonder what is the meaning of life, and what specifically might have been the meaning of the life of the person who has left.

It is important for us to ask the questions:
How did this person touch my life? How did they touch the lives of others? How did they contribute to the world? What was important and meaningful about their time here?

And these questions make us stop to reflect on the meaning of our own lives: What am I doing with my life? Is my presence here important to others; am I making a contribution; is my influence important to the well-being of those around me and to the greater world community?

Sometimes we delude ourself with the fiction that a person whom we love should and will remain with us always. Of course, this is against all reason and logic and common sense, but it seems to make sense at the time - our parents should always be here because they've always been here. The people we love should always be here because they've always been here.

When a person we love approaches death, we sometimes struggle to hold onto that fiction, to somehow make time stand still so that the inevitable conclusion cannot occur. We instictively understand that the loss and the change will be painful and confusing. And yet, the concluding event, the death, the loss, invariably makes us ask the questions which are so important to our lives.

Death reminds us that we must be careful with life and love so that our lives can be filled with meaning and so that we can carry forward the influence and contribution that our loved one has begun - or more truthfully carried on from whoever went before her.

Our grandmother's life was full of activities, people, and intelligence. Her direction of industry and contribution serves as a model for us. Her full and rich life reminds us that we are also capable, that we can be strong and industrious, that we can be a light for our own children, for those around us. Her wit and humor reminds us to bring joy into our activities and to the lives of those we touch.

======
I have been thinking and writing for about 6 months about what I wanted to say, but I finally decided that I have a couple of poems that I want to read which remind me of my mother and are meaningful to me. And the reason that I'm able to read a poem and find meaning in it is because my mother had such an appreciation for literature
and passed down her love of reading to me (and all of us). I thought that I might just go to a random bookshelf and find a list of books on her shelf in this much space (about a foot of space). Here's the list:

The Negro Revolt
Natural Philosophy
4 selected Novels of Henry James
Armegeddon, Leon Uris
East Wind West Wind, Pearl Buck
Crime and Punishment
Journey in the Dark
Arundel
The Culture Consumers
Conglomerate
The Ugly Russian
Beyond Sing the Woods
In Chancery
Perfectly Clear
Plutarch
Anais Nin Reader
The Greek Treasure
Boswell in Holland
Greatest Short Stories

A couple of poems , this by Matthew Arnold called Requiescat which if don't you know your Latin means "Rest":


Requiescat

Strew on her roses, roses,
And never a spray of yew!
In quiet she reposes;
Ah, would that I did too!

Her mirth the world required;
She bathed it in smiles of glee.
But her heart was tired, tired,
And now they let her be.

Her life was turning, turning,
In mazes of heat and sound.
But for peace her soul was yearning,
And now peace laps her round.

Her cabin'd, ample spirit,
It flutter'd and fail'd for breath.
To-night it doth inherit
The vasty hall of death.

And this, also by Matthew Arnold:

Longing

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

And finally one that kind of appeared at 4 a.m. the other morning and that I had to get out of bed to write down. There's no title and it probably isn't finished, but....

Fortunate he or she who made acquaintance with my mother
For that lucky individual might never find another
Who more interested would ask
"Who are you? What do you do?
I'm curious and would know all of your tales."
Until the tales are spent and then might lend their ears to her intelligence
and learn something of the garden's gift or how to spell a word
Or might even be bestowed upon with dress or coat or quilt.
They might begin to wonder and learn about something other than the self
But of the wider world and some wrongs that might be righted
If we were able to, like her, lend courage to a task.
If they might take example from her industry, perhaps they left the meeting
Encouraged to apply a justice to their working day
Which might spread out throughout their lives and into others.
Fortunate he or she, like me, who made acquaintance with my mother.

I was so priviledged to know her and to be her daughter.

Mom's memorial Service

I have to figure out what to say.

There was a lot of anger in our house. I'm still angry, but I don't know how it started.

She had pain. She was out of her mind with pain sometimes I think. She had her first hip operation when we were teens, maybe even earlier. She couldn't have been over 50. She worked so hard, never stopped doing something - cooking for all of us, keeping the house clean, no easy task with 6 kids and a farmer to contend with, she sewed, she baked, she gardened. All of that despite her pain.

What is the nature of grief? How do we process loss?
Grief will take longer than most people think. Grief will take more energy than I wanted to have considered.

Grief keeps developing. Grief shows itself in all spheres of my life. I physically have felt ill since mom died. Socially I have been removed, aloof, too tired to participate. Psychologically, I have felt unsure of myself and confused about many things.

I mourn, not just for mom, but also for all of the experiences we didn't have, the unfulfilled expectations that we might have shared, and for the needs that I have which will be unmet because she died. My grief is depression and sadness, and other feelings, too - confusion, ennui, anger, irritability, frustration, annoyance, and intolerance.

I feel guilt. I wish I could have helped her more, visited her more; I wish I could have prevented her death. Sometimes I feel spasms of grief that I equate to a large train appearing on the track with no warning, no respect to any kind of schedule.

I have had trouble organizing, remembering, making decisions, and just general thinking.

I have felt as though I was going crazy.

I know that certain experiences which will occur in the future will resurrect intense grief for me.

In the midst of suffering, it is hard to get another perspective, to find a feeling of kindness towards myself. I feel quite like punishing myself, like drinking too much, by wasting time, by being lazy.

I don't know what to say about her and what does it mean that all these things are true? Why have I had such paralysis?

June 12 - 13

What a perfect weekend. I got to play Carmina Burana in the a.m. and then I started up to the Farm on City Streets instead of the freeway. My Good sister was biking up. I intercepted her about 20 miles or more in and she and I traded - she driving my fun little red convertible and me riding her wonderful 24 speed bicycle. I think I rode for about an hour and a half. She had probably ridden for 2 and a half or more when we got to each other.

The weather was perfect. I was tired at the end of my ride. We traded again, but then I convinced her to put the bike in the car and drive the rest of the way. Such a lovely day. I know that she wanted to ride all the way, but she probably would have been hurting if she'd ridden the next 15 miles. As it was, both of us felt great the next day.

We grilled some ribs, ate some watermelon and sweet corn, drank some beers, played trivial pursuit (THE NEW EDITION!!) and had a beautiful day.

We did spend a bit of time talking about our brother, the putz. Jeez. I want to convince her to send him a bill for sharpening the chain of the chain-saw, since he was the one who ruined it.

And a bird

And he (my brother) came to the farm this last weekend, supposedly to have a 'memorial' service for mom, but we convinced him that we'd do it in August and put some planning into it. He mostly just made work for everyone, leaving dishes undone, nearly ruining the chain saw, cutting down trees and leaving them lie where they fell. And expecting the good sister to wait on him ("I'll take some mayonaise and turkey.."). What a putz.

At least I saw a beautiful Indigo Bunting in the woods.

From My Brother

So THEN I got a letter from my brother. - I should mention that this was not the brother previously mentioned. I have 3 brothers. There seems to be 2 families: the older three and the younger three. This brother is third of the family - so he belongs to the first family. His letter was an actual letter on paper - and here is what it said:

I love you, grow up. (it was lenghtier but mostly that plus drivel..)

Here is what I sent back to him:

25 years ago I chose to move back to Minnesota to be near my aging parents who were happy and grateful for the help I could give them. I could have lived anywhere, but I chose to live here and to spend time with my parents.
I chose to be with my mother when my father died. I chose to spend some part of most weeks with mom for the past 8 years and to see that she was safe and had the things that she needed. I chose to help her with housekeeping and with shopping. I chose to visit her daily after she had a stroke and I chose to visit her often, usually weekly or more frequently when she was able to go back home. I chose to take her to the doctor and to fill her prescriptions.

I chose to take time off of work when she had an emergency (not to go on vacation like some others) and to visit assisted living homes when she was no longer permitted to stay in her own home. I had to make some hard choices namely where she would go, because some others who said they would assist were not available and did not follow through with their commitments. I chose to help her move. I chose to take her to eye surgeries and respiratory consultations, and I chose to stay overnight with her so that she wouldn't be confused and so that my presence might reduce her anxiety. I chose to take her out to eat and to bring meals to her.

I chose to spend every anniversary / birthday with her and I chose to spend the anniversary of my father's death with her. (Do you remember the date of his death?)

I have made other grown up choices. I choose not to smoke; I choose to wear my seatbelt while driving; I choose to clean my house; I choose to pay my bills on time and to be frugal with my finances. I chose to not have children. I choose to continue being educated so that I can continue moving forward in a job that I chose because I enjoy it.
I choose to engage myself with activities which give me joy and with people whose ethics I admire and whose friendships I value. I choose to have friends who know what I do and care about who I am. I choose to surround myself with people who respect and admire me, and who I admire and respect. I choose people who are honest with me. I choose people who would have behaved honorably toward my mother.

I know you work for a tanning company, probably Eagle Ottawa Tannery. I know you work with waste water treatment. Do you know what I do? Do you know the name of my company? Do you know how long I've worked for them? Here's an interesting fact: I worked for the company for whom I now work for over FIVE years before Lela ever asked about my job. I would ask her "How are you? How is your work? What are you doing these days?" During the whole of 5 years she never reciprocated, never asked, didn't seem to care. The way she found out was by overhearing someone else ask me. To me that seems to be a lack of interest and concern. I don't feel like being with people who don't have any interest or concern in me; after so long one also loses interest in them. I choose to have people in my life who behave differently.

I chose to honor my mother while she was alive by spending time with her and listening to her. I honored her by caring for her and by helping her when she needed help which was often. I honored her by all of the things I mentioned above - helping her when she needed help and stepping up to the plate because I wanted to, I chose to and THAT was the right thing to do and something I will never be sorry for. I was privileged to spend time with her, but I also chose to seize that opportunity and accepted the responsibility because it was obvious that others would not.
She was wise even into her dementia, and she knew who was visiting her. She knew that Lael and I were going to be there for her. Our mother knew who was not there. She knew that weeks and months would go by without seeing any other children. Yes, she forgave them, but they were her children...

I chose to be with her when she died because I didn't want her to die alone.

When other of my siblings did not respond to her, when they did not step forward to help her, when they expected ME to tell them what she needed, I chose, as I now choose, to surround myself with other companions. Frankly, I could not understand why they couldn't figure out for themselves that what she needed was companionship, a little compassion, some conversation, a bit of distraction from the long tedious days.
I may be genetically related to some people but their actions have been dishonorable. Their lack of care and concern for their own mother is dishonorable. That they would disregard her final wishes is dishonorable, and THAT is what was unnecessary. Their continuance of dishonor past her death is what was unnecessary. Lela's lying to her siblings is what was unnecessary.

Someone (read Lela) excluded her three youngest siblings from a service in which we had every right to participate. And she made every attempt to see that we wouldn't find out, including telling people not to tell us about it. How selfish and shallow...not to mention cowardly, callous, thoughtless, and unethically. And choice you yourself call dishonorable. And it was a choice which I believe would sound a death knell in any friendship, relation or no.

I have nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, I am proud of how I treated my mother, and I'm grateful for the time I spent with her. I am not fighting with anyone.
You say that I think someone has done something on purpose to hurt me.

No, I don't.

She did it because she thought it was the right thing to do. She was not trying to hurt us. She was trying to deceive us. Her thinking was confused. Although she did not do this to intentionally hurt us, it did, however, hurt us.

People don't intentionally hurt others. It happens by mistake, from misinterpretation, from making assumptions, by being dishonest. You say that I could do anything to hurt you and you would still love me. I would not do that. I'm sure I have, although certainly not intentionally. I am not going to make some ridiculous attempt to hurt anyone or "pay back" someone. I do not think Lela made that choice to hurt us. She did it out of oblivion and cowardice, by making assumptions and by being dishonest. This is not the kind of person who I care to have in my life. This is not a good person with whom to be involved. My life is better without such people.

It was awful telling friends that we weren't even told about something which should have integrally involved us. The message we got was that we weren't wanted, weren't welcome. That was her rejection.


Yes, I do choose to feel what I feel. I am mourning the loss of my mother now. I miss her very much and I will probably, I expect to, miss her the rest of my life.
I feel greatly insulted by being lied to by someone I was foolish enough to trust. I feel hurt and saddened by her attempt at deceit.

I feel insulted by your insinuation that I am at fault.
This is what I feel.

I choose to include people in my life based on how I can live a healthy life. Those are grown up choices. You say to me 'you know what is right'. Correct. I do know what is right.

And so do you.

Note from my neice

I got a letter from my neice who said that the evil sister neglected to mention certain things when she told people about the 'memorial service'. The main thing she didn't mention is that she hadn't told us about it. That little bit of information was something that she couldn't let on to the people who attended because how on earth would that look? Would it look like she was a completely screwed up individual who was working divisively, and would it look like she was a liar and a coward? YES! People are catching on to that. My friends who attended said the same thing - that she did not tell them that we weren't told about the service.

I miss my mom. I have to have a memorial service for her in my heart...

Another Day

Spring is in full force. The weather is getting warmer, the plants are thriving, the lawns need mowing, and Minnesota is becoming a jungle. The birds are hiding behind the leaves. A person needs extreme patience to spot one of those tiny warblers.

More Warblers

Wow! Here's a list: Yellow-Rumped, Palm, Tennessee, Nashville, Common Yellow Throat, Magnolia, Wilson's, Yellow, Chestnut Sided, Blackburnian, Black Throated Green, Black Poll, Black and White, Golden Winged. What a fabulous weekend. Even saw a Scarlet Tananger and a Red-Headed Woodpecker. Rare sightings. Beautiful Birds!

Mother's Day

My first Mother's day without my mother. I played a church service this morning, the Rutter "Lord is my Shepherd". It's a beautiful piece.
On Friday I got a letter from my aunt. She wrote a chatty letter with no mention of the memorial service or her part in the deception. She did let me know the date of the family reunion. I thought it a good bit of irony that she would be telling me about the family reunion but would not have told me about the memorial service. During the service I kept thinking about her and what I would like to say to her. I thought of my cousin saying that mom's clothes were 'inappropriate' and 'shabby'. I thought of my own preference in wardrobe and that maybe I could use this as an excuse to never see them again. 'Sorry, can't come. My clothes are inappropriate and shabby'.

The Crap and Nap

The farm is beautiful.

The good sister and I saw Yellow-rumped Warblers (by the dozens it seemed), Palm warblers, Wilson's Warbler, Nashville Warblers, Black-throated Green Warbler, Yellow Warblers and a Virginia Rail in the swamp. It is a heavenly place. Too bad I can't figure out a way to live there and make money.

We were thinking of selling a little bit of property or rather developing it into a little gas station and motel. The motel would be a nice bed with a VERY nice toilet. We'd rent it in 3 hour blocks and call it the Crap and Nap.

Brother calls

I'm going to hold this grudge forever I think. The evil sister wrote us an apology for not telling us about the service, but not only did she not tell our brother about the service, she apparently didn't even consider him worth apologizing to. What a piece of work she is.

New information

I saw a couple of my friends last night.
They said to me "guess who went to your mother's memorial service?". They did, of course. And the evil sister told them that I didn't WANT to be there because god would be mentioned. The reason that I wouldn't be there is because I wasn't told about it AND because even if I had been told about it I wouldn't have attended out of respect for our mother's wishes which were totally violated by the nature of the service.
I've been to plenty of memorial services and god is often mentioned. That is the choice of the family and the deceased. I just would have thought that plain and simple respect for our mother would dictate the type of service that was held.

Oh, I am so furious at that evil person.

A good place to start

Probably seeing the background on this might make it more understandable. On the other hand, most everyone has someone in their family who is not exactly the flavor of the month. You could see the entire story here.

The evil sister's apology

A letter received appropriately on April fool's day.

I am tempted to point out the frailty of the writing within her letter (such as the twenty (20) "I" statements in the letter, her poor sentence construction, and her run-on and nonsensical statements). Oh, well. She must have been agonizing about this for weeks. Too bad she didn't take time to put together something which had some logic to it. She could have initially picked up a phone. What a coward.

Dear ...........
I have wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to write this so that you will read it,
How about in logical English?
but realize I cannot control that at all, so here it is.
You might not be able to control how I read this, but you sure wanted to control everything else, specifically wresting control of what kind of memorial service that would be held even though it was clearly against our mother's wishes.
I first want to tell you
What do you second want to tell me?
how sorry I am that I did not tell you about the memorial service at ...... I was wrong to have made that decision and choice for you, assuming that you would disapprove,
which of course I would have and DID!
would not have wanted to be there, that you would have been opposed to that fact that it was done so soon,
Well, I guess you admit it was done so soon - too soon.
or to its context.
which was a Christian service for an Atheist. Pretty poor taste, wouldn't you say?
Whether you would or would not have wanted to participate, you had a right to know about it. I was simply trying to protect myself from confrontation and disagreement,
while running away, like the coward you are, from an honest discussion about what our mother would have sanctioned, what would be meaningful for ALL of her children instead of just you, again exhibiting your cowardice and insecurity.
trying to take care of my own needs and committments
which seemed somehow to be more important than OUR needs? And committments??? What committments? You had committments to your mother and sisters during the past 5 years. You didn't seem to be doing much with THOSE committments! Suddenly, upon your mother's death (are you relieved, you evil daughter?) you have committments which you now need to uphold. They certainly weren't the committments you made to your sister about talking about how to memorialize our mother.
and in doing so lost sight of the needs of some others, you and ....(the good sister) particularly. I cannot change what I did or did not do,
No, you can't. Neither can you change the fact that when your mother needed you most you went on vacation, or that you ran away from responsibility ever since mom's stroke - maybe ever since Dad's death.
but I do want you to know that I realize I did you a great injustice and deeply regret it.
Well, at least maybe you have a little regret. You should probably just kill yourself for what you did. or did NOT do.
If I had it to do over again, I would certainly have been more forthcoming with you, have told you what I was doing
but apparently it wouldn't have stopped you from doing it again. You are pathetic.
- I am so sorry - I do love you and do not want to add to the pain I know you are experiencing. If you can find any way to forgive me, I ask that you do. If you cannot, I understand.
What do you understand? Do you understand your cruelty with what you did? Your neglect of your mother? Your avoidance of unpleasant aspects of care for her or the unpopular decisions that had to be made? Do you understand your cowardice? Do you understand that you represent all the things I find loathsome?
I only hope that someday, we might be friends again.
Oh, my god! WHY? Are you insane?
Love,
.....(the evil sister)

---

So of course I didn't respond to this drivel except to myself. Here is what I wrote - pretending that I'll send it but never will. What's the point? It would just be more pain. She wouldn't get it anyway, and I don't think she's worth the conversation that would ensue.

My pretend response:

Your letter was interesting for its rhetoric if not for its content.

The stated intention was to apologize not for holding a service and publicizing it to the public, but for attempting to deceive. It begs the question that if you hadn’t become aware that that attempt was unsuccessful, would you have made this apology?

There is a litany of grievances but they center around your treatment of your mother and peripherally, your sisters. You are probably well aware of the neglect and avoidances made and don’t need them stated.

The desire to be friends would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.

You might ask yourself these questions:

Would you want to be friends with someone who does not do what she says she will do?
Would you want to be friends with someone who intentionally tries deceives you?
Would you want to be friends with someone who does not appear to be interested in you at all even to the extend of asking, simply ‘how are you?’, ‘how’s work?’, ‘how’s your health?’?

The real person to whom you should be apologizing can no longer hear you. Your disrespect and disregard of her care and finally of her last wishes is something that someone else will have to forgive.

Perhaps that is why you have now come to a belief in god. Now you have someone to forgive you.

Mom is gone

Find this place (see this blog) was written after mom's short stay in a nursing home after several falls at her assisted living apartment. She regained her strength enough to stand and get herself from the bed to the bathroom, but she had several more falls when she got back home, the last one on December 20th. This fall broke her femur and allowed the prosthesis which had acted as her hip to begin protruding from the break. Imagine the pain.

They kept her on pain meds for 5 days and transferred her to a hospital in the cities until they could figure out what they could do. Because of her advanced COPD (emphysema) any extended surgery would probably be un survivable for her. The decision was made to remove the prosthesis and leave her without a hip. Although this pretty much confined her to a wheelchair, the doctors assured us that she would be able to transfer from chair to bed, from chair to toilet, etc.

The surgery was done on Christmas day and was successful. She was transferred to a nursing home very close to the good sister and me. The added advantage of this nursing home was that our niece, one of her granddaughters was the charge RN on the floor where she was transferred.

She still had some re-hab to do and continued to be confused, but she always knew us. We'd go every day to read to her and visit and make sure they were taking care of her needs well. With our niece there it was double insurance that she was being well cared for and it was a very nice place, clean and kind personnel.

On January 16th, only a month after she got there, my niece called in the early morning to say that when the staff had gone in to get my mother up, she had appeared to have had a stroke (first one was 5 years ago in December - see this blog) that affected her left side and she was drooling a bit and was unresponsive. I was there in minutes and the good sister came soon after that. We spent the day and night with her as well as the next 4 days and nights. The rest of our family came and went and her sisters came and went, and finally after a long hard struggle for her she died on Tuesday, January 20th at 3:15 in the afternoon.

I don't know how some people are able to function after losing their parents. Maybe they don't attach themselves to the grief, or maybe they refuse to allow the grief to overtake them, but I and my sister have barely been able to function. This grief and sorrow has been exacerbated by my older (the evil) sister's deception in having a 'memorial service' for her without telling us. She put an announcement in the paper as if she thought we were illiterate or that our friends were. We had dozens of calls from friends asking us directions to the place or to say that they were looking forward to seeing us there - when we had to say 'we weren't invited - obviously not wanted'.

This event was planned by a sister who cared so much for our mother that she deigned to visit her for 15 minutes at intervals of anywhere from 1 week to 4 months. She did a Christian service for someone who expressly stated 'do not have a Christian service', who was an atheist and would have been appalled at such a a thing. She made it practically impossible for the good sister and me to hold the kind of service that our mother would have sanctioned and welcomed. We have both felt a great deal of paralysis over the past four months and we have yet to figure out how to plan a service for our mother that would be meaningful and comforting to us.

Big sigh. I don't know when we might figure this out. I will never speak to my older sister again, another casualty of this long, sad story.