What a perfect weekend. I got to play Carmina Burana in the a.m. and then I started up to the Farm on City Streets instead of the freeway. My Good sister was biking up. I intercepted her about 20 miles or more in and she and I traded - she driving my fun little red convertible and me riding her wonderful 24 speed bicycle. I think I rode for about an hour and a half. She had probably ridden for 2 and a half or more when we got to each other.
The weather was perfect. I was tired at the end of my ride. We traded again, but then I convinced her to put the bike in the car and drive the rest of the way. Such a lovely day. I know that she wanted to ride all the way, but she probably would have been hurting if she'd ridden the next 15 miles. As it was, both of us felt great the next day.
We grilled some ribs, ate some watermelon and sweet corn, drank some beers, played trivial pursuit (THE NEW EDITION!!) and had a beautiful day.
We did spend a bit of time talking about our brother, the putz. Jeez. I want to convince her to send him a bill for sharpening the chain of the chain-saw, since he was the one who ruined it.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
And a bird
And he (my brother) came to the farm this last weekend, supposedly to have a 'memorial' service for mom, but we convinced him that we'd do it in August and put some planning into it. He mostly just made work for everyone, leaving dishes undone, nearly ruining the chain saw, cutting down trees and leaving them lie where they fell. And expecting the good sister to wait on him ("I'll take some mayonaise and turkey.."). What a putz.
At least I saw a beautiful Indigo Bunting in the woods.
At least I saw a beautiful Indigo Bunting in the woods.
From My Brother
So THEN I got a letter from my brother. - I should mention that this was not the brother previously mentioned. I have 3 brothers. There seems to be 2 families: the older three and the younger three. This brother is third of the family - so he belongs to the first family. His letter was an actual letter on paper - and here is what it said:
I love you, grow up. (it was lenghtier but mostly that plus drivel..)
Here is what I sent back to him:
25 years ago I chose to move back to Minnesota to be near my aging parents who were happy and grateful for the help I could give them. I could have lived anywhere, but I chose to live here and to spend time with my parents.
I chose to be with my mother when my father died. I chose to spend some part of most weeks with mom for the past 8 years and to see that she was safe and had the things that she needed. I chose to help her with housekeeping and with shopping. I chose to visit her daily after she had a stroke and I chose to visit her often, usually weekly or more frequently when she was able to go back home. I chose to take her to the doctor and to fill her prescriptions.
I chose to take time off of work when she had an emergency (not to go on vacation like some others) and to visit assisted living homes when she was no longer permitted to stay in her own home. I had to make some hard choices namely where she would go, because some others who said they would assist were not available and did not follow through with their commitments. I chose to help her move. I chose to take her to eye surgeries and respiratory consultations, and I chose to stay overnight with her so that she wouldn't be confused and so that my presence might reduce her anxiety. I chose to take her out to eat and to bring meals to her.
I chose to spend every anniversary / birthday with her and I chose to spend the anniversary of my father's death with her. (Do you remember the date of his death?)
I have made other grown up choices. I choose not to smoke; I choose to wear my seatbelt while driving; I choose to clean my house; I choose to pay my bills on time and to be frugal with my finances. I chose to not have children. I choose to continue being educated so that I can continue moving forward in a job that I chose because I enjoy it.
I choose to engage myself with activities which give me joy and with people whose ethics I admire and whose friendships I value. I choose to have friends who know what I do and care about who I am. I choose to surround myself with people who respect and admire me, and who I admire and respect. I choose people who are honest with me. I choose people who would have behaved honorably toward my mother.
I know you work for a tanning company, probably Eagle Ottawa Tannery. I know you work with waste water treatment. Do you know what I do? Do you know the name of my company? Do you know how long I've worked for them? Here's an interesting fact: I worked for the company for whom I now work for over FIVE years before Lela ever asked about my job. I would ask her "How are you? How is your work? What are you doing these days?" During the whole of 5 years she never reciprocated, never asked, didn't seem to care. The way she found out was by overhearing someone else ask me. To me that seems to be a lack of interest and concern. I don't feel like being with people who don't have any interest or concern in me; after so long one also loses interest in them. I choose to have people in my life who behave differently.
I chose to honor my mother while she was alive by spending time with her and listening to her. I honored her by caring for her and by helping her when she needed help which was often. I honored her by all of the things I mentioned above - helping her when she needed help and stepping up to the plate because I wanted to, I chose to and THAT was the right thing to do and something I will never be sorry for. I was privileged to spend time with her, but I also chose to seize that opportunity and accepted the responsibility because it was obvious that others would not.
She was wise even into her dementia, and she knew who was visiting her. She knew that Lael and I were going to be there for her. Our mother knew who was not there. She knew that weeks and months would go by without seeing any other children. Yes, she forgave them, but they were her children...
I chose to be with her when she died because I didn't want her to die alone.
When other of my siblings did not respond to her, when they did not step forward to help her, when they expected ME to tell them what she needed, I chose, as I now choose, to surround myself with other companions. Frankly, I could not understand why they couldn't figure out for themselves that what she needed was companionship, a little compassion, some conversation, a bit of distraction from the long tedious days.
I may be genetically related to some people but their actions have been dishonorable. Their lack of care and concern for their own mother is dishonorable. That they would disregard her final wishes is dishonorable, and THAT is what was unnecessary. Their continuance of dishonor past her death is what was unnecessary. Lela's lying to her siblings is what was unnecessary.
Someone (read Lela) excluded her three youngest siblings from a service in which we had every right to participate. And she made every attempt to see that we wouldn't find out, including telling people not to tell us about it. How selfish and shallow...not to mention cowardly, callous, thoughtless, and unethically. And choice you yourself call dishonorable. And it was a choice which I believe would sound a death knell in any friendship, relation or no.
I have nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, I am proud of how I treated my mother, and I'm grateful for the time I spent with her. I am not fighting with anyone.
You say that I think someone has done something on purpose to hurt me.
No, I don't.
She did it because she thought it was the right thing to do. She was not trying to hurt us. She was trying to deceive us. Her thinking was confused. Although she did not do this to intentionally hurt us, it did, however, hurt us.
People don't intentionally hurt others. It happens by mistake, from misinterpretation, from making assumptions, by being dishonest. You say that I could do anything to hurt you and you would still love me. I would not do that. I'm sure I have, although certainly not intentionally. I am not going to make some ridiculous attempt to hurt anyone or "pay back" someone. I do not think Lela made that choice to hurt us. She did it out of oblivion and cowardice, by making assumptions and by being dishonest. This is not the kind of person who I care to have in my life. This is not a good person with whom to be involved. My life is better without such people.
It was awful telling friends that we weren't even told about something which should have integrally involved us. The message we got was that we weren't wanted, weren't welcome. That was her rejection.
Yes, I do choose to feel what I feel. I am mourning the loss of my mother now. I miss her very much and I will probably, I expect to, miss her the rest of my life.
I feel greatly insulted by being lied to by someone I was foolish enough to trust. I feel hurt and saddened by her attempt at deceit.
I feel insulted by your insinuation that I am at fault.
This is what I feel.
I choose to include people in my life based on how I can live a healthy life. Those are grown up choices. You say to me 'you know what is right'. Correct. I do know what is right.
And so do you.
I love you, grow up. (it was lenghtier but mostly that plus drivel..)
Here is what I sent back to him:
25 years ago I chose to move back to Minnesota to be near my aging parents who were happy and grateful for the help I could give them. I could have lived anywhere, but I chose to live here and to spend time with my parents.
I chose to be with my mother when my father died. I chose to spend some part of most weeks with mom for the past 8 years and to see that she was safe and had the things that she needed. I chose to help her with housekeeping and with shopping. I chose to visit her daily after she had a stroke and I chose to visit her often, usually weekly or more frequently when she was able to go back home. I chose to take her to the doctor and to fill her prescriptions.
I chose to take time off of work when she had an emergency (not to go on vacation like some others) and to visit assisted living homes when she was no longer permitted to stay in her own home. I had to make some hard choices namely where she would go, because some others who said they would assist were not available and did not follow through with their commitments. I chose to help her move. I chose to take her to eye surgeries and respiratory consultations, and I chose to stay overnight with her so that she wouldn't be confused and so that my presence might reduce her anxiety. I chose to take her out to eat and to bring meals to her.
I chose to spend every anniversary / birthday with her and I chose to spend the anniversary of my father's death with her. (Do you remember the date of his death?)
I have made other grown up choices. I choose not to smoke; I choose to wear my seatbelt while driving; I choose to clean my house; I choose to pay my bills on time and to be frugal with my finances. I chose to not have children. I choose to continue being educated so that I can continue moving forward in a job that I chose because I enjoy it.
I choose to engage myself with activities which give me joy and with people whose ethics I admire and whose friendships I value. I choose to have friends who know what I do and care about who I am. I choose to surround myself with people who respect and admire me, and who I admire and respect. I choose people who are honest with me. I choose people who would have behaved honorably toward my mother.
I know you work for a tanning company, probably Eagle Ottawa Tannery. I know you work with waste water treatment. Do you know what I do? Do you know the name of my company? Do you know how long I've worked for them? Here's an interesting fact: I worked for the company for whom I now work for over FIVE years before Lela ever asked about my job. I would ask her "How are you? How is your work? What are you doing these days?" During the whole of 5 years she never reciprocated, never asked, didn't seem to care. The way she found out was by overhearing someone else ask me. To me that seems to be a lack of interest and concern. I don't feel like being with people who don't have any interest or concern in me; after so long one also loses interest in them. I choose to have people in my life who behave differently.
I chose to honor my mother while she was alive by spending time with her and listening to her. I honored her by caring for her and by helping her when she needed help which was often. I honored her by all of the things I mentioned above - helping her when she needed help and stepping up to the plate because I wanted to, I chose to and THAT was the right thing to do and something I will never be sorry for. I was privileged to spend time with her, but I also chose to seize that opportunity and accepted the responsibility because it was obvious that others would not.
She was wise even into her dementia, and she knew who was visiting her. She knew that Lael and I were going to be there for her. Our mother knew who was not there. She knew that weeks and months would go by without seeing any other children. Yes, she forgave them, but they were her children...
I chose to be with her when she died because I didn't want her to die alone.
When other of my siblings did not respond to her, when they did not step forward to help her, when they expected ME to tell them what she needed, I chose, as I now choose, to surround myself with other companions. Frankly, I could not understand why they couldn't figure out for themselves that what she needed was companionship, a little compassion, some conversation, a bit of distraction from the long tedious days.
I may be genetically related to some people but their actions have been dishonorable. Their lack of care and concern for their own mother is dishonorable. That they would disregard her final wishes is dishonorable, and THAT is what was unnecessary. Their continuance of dishonor past her death is what was unnecessary. Lela's lying to her siblings is what was unnecessary.
Someone (read Lela) excluded her three youngest siblings from a service in which we had every right to participate. And she made every attempt to see that we wouldn't find out, including telling people not to tell us about it. How selfish and shallow...not to mention cowardly, callous, thoughtless, and unethically. And choice you yourself call dishonorable. And it was a choice which I believe would sound a death knell in any friendship, relation or no.
I have nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, I am proud of how I treated my mother, and I'm grateful for the time I spent with her. I am not fighting with anyone.
You say that I think someone has done something on purpose to hurt me.
No, I don't.
She did it because she thought it was the right thing to do. She was not trying to hurt us. She was trying to deceive us. Her thinking was confused. Although she did not do this to intentionally hurt us, it did, however, hurt us.
People don't intentionally hurt others. It happens by mistake, from misinterpretation, from making assumptions, by being dishonest. You say that I could do anything to hurt you and you would still love me. I would not do that. I'm sure I have, although certainly not intentionally. I am not going to make some ridiculous attempt to hurt anyone or "pay back" someone. I do not think Lela made that choice to hurt us. She did it out of oblivion and cowardice, by making assumptions and by being dishonest. This is not the kind of person who I care to have in my life. This is not a good person with whom to be involved. My life is better without such people.
It was awful telling friends that we weren't even told about something which should have integrally involved us. The message we got was that we weren't wanted, weren't welcome. That was her rejection.
Yes, I do choose to feel what I feel. I am mourning the loss of my mother now. I miss her very much and I will probably, I expect to, miss her the rest of my life.
I feel greatly insulted by being lied to by someone I was foolish enough to trust. I feel hurt and saddened by her attempt at deceit.
I feel insulted by your insinuation that I am at fault.
This is what I feel.
I choose to include people in my life based on how I can live a healthy life. Those are grown up choices. You say to me 'you know what is right'. Correct. I do know what is right.
And so do you.
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