What I've been thinking about

XXXX (Evil Sister),

Recently,
during beautiful summer days,
the thought of a dialog between us has appeared.

This idea occurs out of the green and blue of summer.
It appears unanounced . . simply as a cloud might appear floating slowly in the clear blue sky.

I heard this poem tonight and believe it to be the reason I think of you:

(Joy Harjo, John L. Williams & Susan M. Williams)

I release you, my beautiful and terrible
fear. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don't know you
as myself. I release you with all the
pain I would know at the death of
my children.

You are not my blood anymore.

I give you back to the white soldiers
who burned down my home, beheaded my children,
raped and sodomized my brothers and sisters.
I give you back to those who stole the
food from our plates when we were starving.

I release you, fear, because you hold
these scenes in front of me and I was born
with eyes that can never close.

I release you
I release you
I release you
I release you

I am not afraid to be angry.
I am not afraid to rejoice.
I am not afraid to be black.
I am not afraid to be white.
I am not afraid to be hungry.
I am not afraid to be full.
I am not afraid to be hated.
I am not afraid to be loved,

to be loved, to be loved, fear.

Oh, you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
You have gutted me but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire.

I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won't take you in my hands.
You can't live in my eye, my ears, my voice
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart my heart
But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
of dying.

======================

and so, XXXX(Evil Sister), my sister, my twin, now you will either respond to this or not.

Good Friends

Here I am, in the bosom of my dear friends.

Hoot Owl friends, people in town, good food, laughter, music, and fun.

We met for lunch; I met for duets tonight, and now we are watching a great old movie together.

I Love these people.

Never Express an opinion

This is what I've learned.

Expressing an opinion opens the door to ridicule and contempt. Don't express an opinion. Don't say anything about anyone ever because it will just come back and bite you if you do.

Don't let on that things might bother you. Don't show emotion or reaction to anything ever because if you do the pounce begins. Aha! The door is open. Time to attack.

Don't reveal anything about yourself because your motives, intelligence, feelings, actions will all be subject to negative scrutiny. - and more than scrutiny - feels like abuse...

Just because I like to dis my idiot trailer park sister in law

Questions and Craziness

I've been playing a couple of passion shows: Jesus Christ Superstar and just tonight, Good Friday, a local production / local composer "Son of God, Son of Man".

After watching the JC, Superstar I had to go and read some of the new testament. I have many questions. The show was good, well produced and directed and the orchestra was also pretty good. It was kind of fun music to play. So my questtions are of course about mortality and the soul.

I had a rather interesting coincidental experience with my mother's watch. I don't mean to be jumping around here, but I think there are so many things in my brain that it is hard to separate them as separate events. Everything has a bearing on everything else.

The Good Sister and I were at the farm. I had a dream about mom. I've never dreamt about her since her death, and this was a nice dream: she was in the bed The Good Sister was sleeping in and I was talking to her from the bed I was sleeping in. I was actually sleeping in the bed where I was in the dream...very vivid. It was nice to see her. She was telling me about HER dream and we had a really nice visit.

The next day, as my good sister and I were picking out some new drapery for the farm living room, mom's watch stopped.

I don't suppose it would be all that remarkable that a watch stopped. After all, I've been wearing it since soon after she died, a year ago. The funny thing here is that the watch stopped when she died, started after a couple of days/ weeks ( I don't know..I was going to get a battery for it after I realized it had died, but then realized it was running again) and so I just started wearing it.

I had worn it every day I think since the day I realized it was running again. And then my good sister and I did that errand for the farm. There is more to this but in the course of that errand, the watch stopped. When I got home, looked for my other watch, I saw that that one had also stopped.... same time...

So my questions: mom? Did you just now decide to take off? Did you know that I was okay now that I'd decided with THE GOOD SISTER to change those curtains? I'm much better than I was a year ago; that is for sure. Still, too many coincidences...

and jesus christ superstar, and son of god son of man..
who was that Christ guy?

My Aunt's death

On the anniversary of mom's death, we went to see my Aunt. We actually went a day later because it was snowing so hard, we didn't dare drive over. When we saw her that day, I wondered if perhaps it wasn't the last time I would see her.

So my mom's generation is coming to an end. My Aunt died on Friday, a year and two months after mom. I can hardly believe that she is gone, but she was suffering for quite a while. Parkinson's disease took a heavy toll on her endurance and will.

Her children, my cousins, are all here. She waited for them to arrive before she was willing to leave, I guess. Like Dad with my good sister...

I saw them this morning. Everyone is fine; they are still in shock, tired, I think, but surrounded by activity of family, other cousins, and friends of my aunt. They will stay for a while to try to get her things taken care of, furniture sold, belongings distributed.

I expect the the older of the two sisters who are left will go within the next year. THe youngest is by far the youngest, but her heart will be broken by losing her sisters. She will be living for her children from then on. I feel very sorry for her.

And then this afternoon, after I left, I got a call from the evil sister to inform me of my aunt's death and let me know about the arrangements. I curtly told her that I'd just left there and I knew all about the arrangements. She is amazing. I wonder if she really thought I didn't know. I can't imagine how she thinks.

Funeral Tuesday. I will see everyone yet again, including the evil sister and the trailer trash sister-in-law. I will ignore them both. My aunt and her children will be what I will try to think about.

Here is my aunt's story

Theft

Man, the ultimate hassle. Robbed while walking around the track at the Y. All my stuff, my phone, my pager from work, my Social Security Card, my checkbook, uncashed checks for over 1000 dollars, my credit card, and who knows what else...

I ran around trying to take care of a million things on Wednesday. Closed my checking account, opened a new one, changed my automatic deposits to the new account, got a new driver's lisence, called the Credit bureau to flag my social security number, called the social security administration to request a new application for my card, called the dmv to notify them of a stolen lisence. Whew, what a horrible experience.

Keep Writing

There are many ways to communicate. While Enlish is rich, enormous, subtle, and diverse, it can still create confusion. Touch is good, a brush, a kiss...

Happy New Year

Played the oboe Brandenburgs at a friends chamber music party on New Year's Day. What a nice way to spend the first day of the year. The second party was heavy on food, with a firm emphasis on sugar. Just perfect for my fasting blood test to take place on Tuesday a.m. Yikes.

Nice quintet rehearsal today. We planned a program for a February 3rd recital including a Bizet Children's Suite, an Albinez suite both of which are piano transcriptions, then an original couple of works for Quintet - Bitsch and Michael Eastwood, a young English Composer. Should be fun. Now I'm busy at work trying to write a little jazz piece for us. Yeah...good luck with that then.